Heyy, I feel the need to write but I don’t actually know where to start as I’m utterly confused at the moment. This will be so random and it might sound like I’m ranting but this is how my thoughts flow. So there.
Yes, I like the effects. I’m losing a lot of weight but this feeling has a special powers in reminding me why I don’t like feeling this way again.
I recently took huge steps towards something and I was brave and happy. With that car, I could regularly go to hear the mass now and I’ve been praying constantly for only 2 things. One of them is being given in installment but the other one was something opposite of what I was asking for (tho I’m not really sure if it is).
But then I realize it all comes down to how I ended the very last relationship I had. Now I’m good, happy and a whole lot better and I have completely moved on.
I just dont know why I’m being reminded of that feeling again; that feeling when you trashed me.. It still feels exactly the same and it definitely have the same effects on me.
“You left me paralyzed, no cure, no rehab for me.
Funny how you got the nerve to keep asking me; how I’ve been?
You’re the victor in this pageantry but the only trophy you deserve, catastrophe.
I’d rather we be dead to each other.
No eulogies said for each other.
No “Rest In Peace’s”
You created ghosts and monsters to haunt me each and every time I want to jump into something risky? I’m pretty sure you did coz I’m being preoccupied by these things I tried so hard to get rid of.
“I’m praying that your eyes are the first to go,
the way they looked when you smiled,
the way they opened and closed.
And your nose, every single breath against my neck.
And then your lips, every promise made and said.
Fade to black.”
You know how confident I am in making decisions but now, I’m starting to doubt my own judgement. I don’t trust myself anymore. I don’t know if I’m just being traumatized by what happened or I’m just being wise.
“I’ve been told, one day you’ll know too much heaven’s a sin.
After the show it’s only hell that it brings.
So take it slow and let time heal everything.
They say that time flies, but you keep breaking it’s wings
You never fade…fade to black…
And the nightmares come back.”
Risks! I don’t know how to take them anymore maybe it’s because of you. God surely knows how to question me and he asks things I find hard to answer. And now I know, and I’ve proven it; that your imagination can kill you. As it is killing me now like a poison; slowly and painfully.
“You wish me well…I wish you hell…”
Regardless, I’m still a bit thankful. I feel. I’m ambivalent no more.